Not so fast

I have always been a believer of doing things right. I am always, always law-abiding and mindful of rules and policies set, whether they come from parents, teachers or superiors. Call it safe-playing but peace of mind is something I greatly value. I also believe that no one is responsible for whatever happens in your life but you. You alone are accountable. Whatever we are now is the result of the choices we made. I just have to do things right.

When Andres Bonifacio solicited Jose Rizal’s help in the revolution, Dr. Rizal refused. He just didn’t believe in doing things underground. When you want to make something right, you might as well start doing it right.

Thus I made a choice to work in government. With so much idealism in my system, coming from a high school who led its all-girl population to the streets whenever things didn’t go right and graduating from the bastion of academic freedom, I just know that the government is where I can start. Pretty ironic but still valid. I have sort of realized that if I want change, I have to initiate it and work towards it.

People will tell me endlessly that I’ll be wasted in government. There’s nothing I can do and I’ll just be swallowed by the system. Good thing my family has been really supportive and even proud. This can be seen at how I have the smallest contribution when it comes to household expenses..pro-rata.

And now I think I am facing a moral dilemma. I have pretty much realized that my job is a subservient job. We have to think, comprehend and speak like the boss. What she says, goes. Personal convictions most of the time don’t matter. This is really difficult.

On my way to work this morning I was thinking precisely how will I accomplish my task for today. But it seems I have to do what the position requires, which is necessarily not right. It’s not as bad as I make it sound but it made me wonder how many two seemingly necessary conditions will I come face to face with that will require me to make a choice..how many concessions will I make..will I eventually lose my stubborn uncompromising self.

I have a found a way of accomplishing my task today. It was not how I wanted it but I’m satisfied nonetheless. So much for idealism…