Better late than never

I am making this entry to mark this moment in my life..the moment I went cheesy. This is going to be a deviation from what I usually write..but what the heck. This is just too good to ignore.

Last night I had dinner with jerv and his family to celebrate his mom’s birthday. I have to admit that when he told me of his plan and asked if I can join them I readily dismissed it as impossible. It’s a weeknight and mom would have just gotten back from her birthday shebang and she wouldn’t approve. I wasn’t even planning of actually telling my mom about it. I just planned of sending a gift thinking that it would do. But then jerv of course expressed that he wanted me to go (plus I made him stay for my mom’s own birthday dinner the day before) thus I decided that I really have to join them.

And so we went. We bought our gift and he paid for dinner. (writing for these kinds of things sure is difficult). Anyway what this all boils down to is how I admired my guy. I grew up in a matriarchal home. I never knew how it is living with a father who will carry you when your tiny legs are tired of standing up, or who will swear to kill anyone who tries to lay a finger on you or even bring you down, or who will always be there to look after all of his family’s needs and make sure everything and everyone is alright. I grew up not having a superhero who will buy me gifts, bring me to carnivals or at the very least treat me out to dinner or even ice cream.

And so the sight of my boyfriend going out of his way to treat his family (with a state employee’s salary), even foregoing his choice of restaurant for the popular choice (outnumbered 3 to 1), really sent me head over heels. My eldest sister has been playing the role of padre de pamilya for some time now but of course this is something I am used to already. And so seeing my boyfriend do this on top of how he has been providing for them was enough to last me through the week. He did it all with a big heart and a big smile. It was genuinely heart-warming. This gesture is just one of the sweetest things he does for them. He has been looking after them much like a father does to his family.

I just felt proud of the choice I made. I realized that indeed things are not as fine and dandy as I want them to be right now but knowing that he will be by my side to mesmerize me and show me the beautiful things is all that matters. I just love how he loves his family.

Well what do you know..looks like the heavens have sent my superhero after all.

Not so free dinner

One of my pet-peeves are people who can’t stop complaining and whining and who just love to play the blame game. Most of the time, these are the people who inhibit themselves from the greater scheme of things by viewing things like they are looking into a fishbowl when these issues actually involve them such as governance or opportunities. Sometimes these are also the kind of people who think they know better just because they chose to be at the easier side of the fence, the side where you can disown your actions and just lambaste at the status quo or prevailing circumstances. These are also the people who argue non-sequitur.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m with the government that I grow more impatient of people who blame it all to the government. Perhaps I am just more aware of how the government gets things done that I am easily pissed at people who claim to know what they’re talking about when I’m pretty sure they just echo what they hear from their fellow myopic and parochial citizens. One comment I particularly like was, “Ano magdebate pa tayo sa presidente mo? Dati sinabi maganda ang ekonomiya tapos nung nahalal tsaka inaming may fiscal crisis”. I need not even listen to what else she is going to say. Obviously, she doesn’t understand how worlds apart is economic to fiscal crisis. Obviously, she didn’t know that on the second quarter, GDP was over 6%. Obviously, she didn’t bother asking the country’s economic performance vis-à-vis fiscal management or that a fiscal crisis is not necessarily and sufficiently an outcome of a 3-year administration, no matter how unimaginably bad it went.

More than keeping oneself abreast with such information, I believe it should more importantly be about asking yourself what exactly have you done to earn the position of casting the stone. I say if you’re working in a call center, you should even be thankful to this administration for securing 60,000 call center seats for the army of unemployed from just 2,000 three years ago. If not for this President, you could have been another NSO statistic. This is especially true for UP graduates whose education was made possible by the taxpayers’ money and has not served the country, by at least being a public servant. Really shameless...

On the other hand, if your service happens to be to criticize and pass judgment at everything that goes mad in this country and offering an alternative like putting an evangelist in power, then I think you’re another thing that has gone mad in this country.

I am not in anyway absolving the government for its innumerable wrong moves and bad judgment. I have my own litany of grievances. What I’m saying is pushing this country forward is everybody’s ballgame. People my age are not in the position to point fingers at anyone simply because we haven’t served our time in doing this country right. We should ask ourselves whether we follow the simplest of traffic rules or even bother to count our blessings like being able to wake up the next day free.

Unless you’re a Ramon Magsaysay Awardee or any other person who is willing to forego personal interest for national gain, I don’t think you’re worthy of judgment.

Not so fast

I have always been a believer of doing things right. I am always, always law-abiding and mindful of rules and policies set, whether they come from parents, teachers or superiors. Call it safe-playing but peace of mind is something I greatly value. I also believe that no one is responsible for whatever happens in your life but you. You alone are accountable. Whatever we are now is the result of the choices we made. I just have to do things right.

When Andres Bonifacio solicited Jose Rizal’s help in the revolution, Dr. Rizal refused. He just didn’t believe in doing things underground. When you want to make something right, you might as well start doing it right.

Thus I made a choice to work in government. With so much idealism in my system, coming from a high school who led its all-girl population to the streets whenever things didn’t go right and graduating from the bastion of academic freedom, I just know that the government is where I can start. Pretty ironic but still valid. I have sort of realized that if I want change, I have to initiate it and work towards it.

People will tell me endlessly that I’ll be wasted in government. There’s nothing I can do and I’ll just be swallowed by the system. Good thing my family has been really supportive and even proud. This can be seen at how I have the smallest contribution when it comes to household expenses..pro-rata.

And now I think I am facing a moral dilemma. I have pretty much realized that my job is a subservient job. We have to think, comprehend and speak like the boss. What she says, goes. Personal convictions most of the time don’t matter. This is really difficult.

On my way to work this morning I was thinking precisely how will I accomplish my task for today. But it seems I have to do what the position requires, which is necessarily not right. It’s not as bad as I make it sound but it made me wonder how many two seemingly necessary conditions will I come face to face with that will require me to make a choice..how many concessions will I make..will I eventually lose my stubborn uncompromising self.

I have a found a way of accomplishing my task today. It was not how I wanted it but I’m satisfied nonetheless. So much for idealism…

72,000 miles

The Amazing Race 5 ended today and my favorite team, the strongest team, Colin and Christie lost to Chip and Kim who used to be the sweet married couple who hugs everyone but just recently showed they’re out to get the million bucks by yielding and lying (I don’t really blame them for that, that’s how the game goes).

This sounds really stupid but I feel down. The amazing race is an amazing show and I think it ended too soon plus the team I’m rooting for lost to the underdogs. Colin and Christie have been leading consistently and that’s because they really played well. They worked hard right from the start unlike the other teams who suddenly realized they are nearing 1 million bucks and decided to play rough. I know a lot of people who are pissed at Colin. Filipinos are known to take everything personally. I am not at all affected by Colin’s arrogance and aggressiveness. I can take cockiness anytime as long as a person has something to brag about. And I guess Colin is one of those persons. His competitive spirit is more than enough for him and Christie. They always finish first not because of luck or they pushed another team too far but because they’re tactical, strategic and very strong. Remember how it took some time for Colin to make the mud bricks in India but once he got the hang of it there was just no letting up. Or how methodical his and Christie’s way of going through the maze in this last challenge in Dallas. Of course the Laguna challenge sort of pushed him to the limit and brought out the as*ho*e in him but what I’m saying is if I was placed in the same predicament, I might have acted just as bad if not worse. The amazing race is really Colin’s game.

I also have to give it to Chip. No thanks to his wife, Kim. She was useless most of the time. Even the schmoozing with and deceiving of other teams tactics can only be attributed to Chip. The guy’s a good guy and in this game the good guy finished first.

The bowling moms..they rock! It’s true what Karen said..she has been a mother for twenty years but the race experience made her realize there are a lot of things out there that she can do. They still finished the Palawan leg knowing that they will be eliminated, compared to Marshal and Lance who gave up and were eliminated in quite a unique way. I say if you’re going to lose, you might as well lose with honor.

As for the other teams, they are as memorable. Brandon and Nicole “everything is in God’s hands” team, the twins who are fast and fearless but kind of stupid most of the time, the midget and cousin tandem who are actually clever but really annoying and Allison and Donny who were promising but gone too soon.

By the way, I wasn’t that impressed with the Manila leg. I think it was lame. Good thing El Nido saved the day.

The pink edition

Monday nights for me and my sisters mean Queer Eye night. We have to finish dinner before 9pm to be able to catch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. I loved this show from the first episode I saw, unlike sex and the city or the x-files which took quite a little patience to go through succeeding episodes for me to appreciate it. I have a very strong belief that these five gay men are geniuses. Not everyone is blessed with creativity.

Take Thom Filicia. Who would have the patience and tenacity to see beauty behind a rathole of a man’s apartment and turn it into every woman’s dream “boyfriend’s pad”. I cannot even make anything out of my office cube. Keeping it neat and tidy is the most I can do and it will have to take all my willpower to start rummaging through the piles of paper. Or Carson Kressley, who more than the outfits he is able to come up with, gives the funniest and wittiest unscripted punchlines I’ve heard on tv. You just have to give it to gay men when it comes to sarcasm and sharpness.

But my ultimate Queer Eye dream guy is Kyan Douglas. Boy is he yummy. I have placed him up there with tennis pretty boy marat safin and australia’s best contribution to Hollywood heath ledger. Watching him on tv makes you think you can actually smell his fresh from the shower scent. And those biceps..what a hunk!
I have always felt that gay men have a special place in my heart. My father has two gay brothers who are out as out can be. Family get-togethers liven up because of them. They are MEAN but I have to admit they are really funny. One of them is really good in math he gets paid before to take another person’s entrance exams. I and my twinsister also grew up with a gay cousin. Of course we didn’t know he was gay until we reached the age of puberty. We often wondered howcome he played with us instead of playing with my brother. Up to this day he believes that we are prime suspects why he happens to have estrogen flowing in his body. My cousin is a brilliant guy. He writes well, reads a lot and has great appreciation for art and history. He can also come up with really good seamless ploy to get even with the enemy.

When I was about to enter college, I wished I could have a gay man for a best friend. I guess I got something close to that. I dated someone who’s gay and of course I didn’t know the real score until it was too late. Actually I had doubts already but I probably refused to see. I even consulted two friends and they said there are men who really are like THAT:

1. he notices that a girl’s bag is of a different color to her shoes and even tells me about it
2. he asks me what my beauty regimen is and shares what he does
3. he takes longer when shopping and window shopping
4. we don’t argue about what movies to see (i.e. he loves Julia Roberts and other tear-jerkers as much as I do)
5. basketball? What basketball?
6. knows all the gay men (closet or out) in school personally
7. dated for almost a year and no..has not touched even the tip of my fingers

I should have realized sooner it was too good to be true. An intelligent guy with the sensitivity of a woman? Just what was I thinking. During this time the term “metrosexual” wasn’t even imagined yet. For some reason, I am proud for this blunder in my life. It’s really a lot of fun talking about it (even if I am the butt of jokes among guyfriends). At least this is what I got and not some “the college bad boy who broke my heart” episode.

Wow! Gays do have a special place in my heart. I didn’t notice how long this is already. I guess what I am saying is I am all for gay rights. There are a lot of successful gay men. I admire them so much that when I meet a guy who’s really good looking, intelligent, interesting and knows how to tickle my fancy, I know right away he’s gay.

View from the outside

I attended a wedding and a baptismal last Saturday. Both couples (the newlyweds and the new parents) are contemporaries. That’s not the only thing common between them. The bride, who is my sorority sis, got married because she is pregnant. She was very candid to admit that had it been otherwise she wouldn’t have gotten married at this time. The new father on the other hand, who is jerv’s high school classmate and just recently his kumpare, had his kid before marriage.

And so while me and my boyfriend are enjoying every bit of being a not so new couple and going through the intricacies of being in our first serious relationship, some of our friends have been jumping into the world of the unknown..the world of married life and parenthood. i know I would love to be with my boyfriend 24/7 and having to carry the baby in my arms from the church to the reception sure made me look at him (the baby) in awe and feel that I would want to have one of these in the future. But to have all these right here, right now? Nah..

Unlike most girls who have planned their weddings when they reach the age of five, I have not the slightest idea how I would want my wedding to be. Watching my cousin plan for his wedding was strenuous to me already. I don’t think I can do that. At least I have decided getting married is a good idea unlike before when I think it’s perfectly ok not to get married. Marriage is just too big a responsibility. I think that it’s totally different when you share just about everything with another person. When you have problems, you can’t just retreat into your shell that is called your room and think things over or cry or what-have-you. all your decisions should be based on two premises, both supposedly right, and all your actions have implications on another person’s life, not just yours.

On the contrary, I have long decided I want to be a mom than to be a partner. I think I can handle having a kid than having a husband. But of course, parenthood, is even more difficult. And I’ll be not just a parent but a mom. My mom happens to be my cornerstone, my hero. and witnessing what she has gone through made me believe at such an early age that being a mother is a Herculean task. Something that I refuse to subject myself in at the age of 22. not just yet.

But my ultimate reason for this seemingly cynical view on marriage and motherhood is convenience. On Saturday and Sunday mornings I just have to wake up to the aroma of freshly-brewed coffee and breakfast. I can read the entire paper all morning and not worry about my next meal. I can sleep the whole afternoon after lunch or read a book. I can go out at night not worrying about other stuff like putting a baby to sleep or what home repair needs to be done. After work I go home to dinner already prepared, take a shower and just jump to bed. I know it sounds hedonistic and if you’re asking, of course I have a hundred things on my mind. But i just enjoy this time of my life when I can freeload on mom’s meals and other family freebies and not worry about anything else other than how will I stretch this week’s salary to the next.

My psych teacher said that young adulthood (18-40 years old I think) is the longest stage in a person’s life which means that you have all the time in the world to rethink and reconsider and do all other things important such as planning your wedding, settling down, having a baby and getting him baptized. But mostly, I think it’s all about getting your paycheck, taxfree.

To technocracy and beyond

yesterday I attended the diliman governance forum on reengineering the bureaucracy. If not for the overcrowded and humid venue, everything went pretty ok. I felt really light-headed especially since I had just about 3 hours of sleep the night before due to salubong a balikbayan relative ritual.

Whenever I attend these kinds of fora and lectures, what sticks on me more than the lecture itself are the presentors themselves. I always get mesmerized by how intelligent and insightful academicians and experts are. For some reason, I am more impressed by scholars blabbing how to make the world a better place to live in than by news of businessmen who happen to conquer yet another money-making bonanza. Earning millions sure is gravely satisfying and empowering but being able to put the world order into sentences and equations and moreso articulate it is sort of more enticing for me.

It’s not that I believe that having some other people invest in you just to show to the world that the country’s poverty alleviation program has, for the nth time, failed the people is so much better than taking risks and investing your own money in something that, in your belief has a great chance of succeeding (but even if the business idea flops, you only fail yourself, not an entire government or nation). There is just something about intelligent people that charms me like a person under a spell. That even if I don’t understand anything of what they’re saying, I still find myself daydreaming talking the same way, pointing at the white screen with the laser pointer in the same way and even telling “for ivy league grads/postgrads only anecdotes” in yes, exactly the same way.

I remember going to a forum on poverty at the ADB last year with some thirty to forty people in attendance from around the world. Little did I know that almost all of them knew each other from the academe and the policy research world and that everyone has a master’s degree at the very least. And so when the speaker refers to one particular author, everyone seemed to relate to it. I think it’s really cool how these experts actually understand each other using the universal language of research, math. and when the open forum starts, things get more exciting. I am really amazed at how they talk about the economy and social constructs in profound terms that seem that this is how they really converse on a regular basis. I have always put so much premium on being and looking intelligent.

I think I have made myself believe that my niche is the research and technical writing world. I told myself that when the time comes that I’ll be introduced before an audience my CV will be as impressive as armand fabella’s (I know..that goal-setting is too late). The man has western-educated/technocrat written all over him. but I guess what I really want is to be able to command and speak authority the way dr. fabella does. Man is he cool…

Just add one egg

My mom normally talks to us how her Chinese clients cheat the government, cheat their employees and ultimately cheat the Filipinos. I am starting to believe her theory that Chinese business is one big factor for the country’s underdevelopment. She also said that millions of pesos circulate in downtown Manila, all unaccounted by the government.

For some reason, the Chinese get away with it. And so when the Chinese complain how difficult life is in the Philippines, my blood literally reaches boiling point. Just imagine how every big business in the country is owned by the Chinese and how Lucio Tan continues to walk around scot-free despite his billion peso tax deficiency. And even if Henry Sy has provided employment to thousands of salesladies, no one has actually stayed with SM for more than six months. benefits are just too costly for business. Try visiting high-end places in Manila and for sure you’ll see yourself surrounded by slit-eyed yellow people (pun intended). my mother also knows of a chinese guy who won a math Olympiad for his school. He was then offered Filipino citizenship but surprise surprise he turned it down. He continues to live in the country managing his own business and earns bigtime. Is that arrogance or what. Whenever I see teresita ang-see fume on tv how kidnam-for-ransom continues to threat Fil-Chinese security, how I wish I could shoot back that they always have the option to pack-up and leave.

Our nanny, I believe, has a personal grudge against the Chinese. she always notices how the Chinese aren’t just greedy but how they look down on Filipinos. Who wouldn’t? this is the only country where the citizens work their backs of for the foreigners and who actually glorify foreigners above their own.

Which leads me to another question. Howcome after years of colonization (i.e. slavery), Filipinos seem to have a penchant for patronizing people of a different color. Notice how everything in the country is tourist-friendly. From street signs to cab drivers to investment incentive package. We can’t just afford to have foreigners frown upon us. I bet the manila leg of amazing race won’t be as challenging as the Calcutta leg.

God I’m bored…

I’ve been feeling quite restless for months now. I’ve been thinking of resigning and transferring to a higher-paying job. I don’t seem to run out of things to pay for and I don’t think I enjoy my salary the way I want to. The only comfort I seem to get is being able to get a cab and I have to rethink that as well. But more than that I am more concerned that I can’t save. My untouchable account is not so untouchable now.

There are so many things I want to do. I feel very lazy and I can’t seem to start on anything. I can’t even update my CV. The only consolation I can think of is I’m not even two years on this job so I shouldn’t be too hard on myself.